I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
