is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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