we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you had me at cake vodka
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
