like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
