dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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