i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
