you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
