I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
