you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
