and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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