Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
