I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
