You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
