so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
