i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
