This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
