i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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