Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
