At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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