Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
