y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
