when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
