one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
