There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
