You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
