No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
