Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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