I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Terrible idea I love it
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
