We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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