At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
