I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
