guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
