If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
