It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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