1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
