I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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