don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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