If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
They have beer where we have blood.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
