She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
babies were throwing up all over the place
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
