I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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