i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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