The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
