she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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