he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
