I wish my penis had an off switch
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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