I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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