I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Randomize
