I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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