I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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