he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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