hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
