I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
