I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
